Footballers who should have kept their privates private

Ashley Cole is a silly, silly boy. A day after it was confirmed that the Chelsea and England left back has fractured his ankle, the national newspapers are reporting his hilariously outlandish version of how naked photographs of him in a hotel bed ended up on the mobile phone of a topless model.

I'll leave you to work out exactly how likely it is that Cole is innocent in this situation, given that his story includes the fact that he has an unregistered pay-as-you-go mobile phone, the calling card of philanderers up and down the land.

But he's not alone, as far as footballers who hang out with their wangs out are concerned. So here's twofootedtackle's list of footballers who should've kept their mancocks to themselves. Thanks to @oftd, @9men, @dirtytackle and @carl_palmer for tips and reminders. And apologies to The Spoiler, which has undoubtedly covered all of these lengths at length previously.

So, knob gags over and done with, it's down to business.

1. The boy Cole might look like a bit of a tool himself, given that he's married to a rather famous sex symbol, but at least he didn't go one further. Former Boca Juniors star Ever Banega, now at Valencia, can't say the same after performing the five-fingered shuffle in front of a webcam
2. Also engaging in a spot of first-person relief was Aston Villa's Ashley Young, who was caught on a webcam during a chat with Bristol beautician Sarah Taylor. But it's okay, it wasn't Ash - it was "Lewis"
3. Still, at least Young wasn't involved in Villa's most embarrassing sex scandal video. Former Villa goalkeeper Stefan Postma wins that one hands-down after bending over during a session with Mrs Postma and...well, doing it the wrong way round
4. It's not easy being a Brazilian footballer. At every turn, there is a blonde beauty squawking out her siren tones and practically forcing you to get your bits out. Just ask Ronaldinho, who just about managed to avoid showing the goods, and Elano who apparently most certainly didn't. The same goes for youngster Alexandre Pato, whose rather lovely wife was presumably nonplussed upon discovering no fewer than 18 pictures of Little Ducky had made their way into cyberspace

Mr Cole, you're in good company (and I don't mean Vernon fecking Kay). I only hope that's all you've been up to...

(Pic via Valencia Offside)

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The last word on the PFA awards

The PFA Player and Young Player of the Year Award winners were announced, and they were as predictable as they were wrong. I understand that footballers are a bit dim, prone to hype and sentimental, but surely there's an argument to give them at least a fighting chance of getting this right by asking them at the end of the season. You know, when it's relevant.

Not that that would have affected their choice of Player of the Year, which went to Manchester United's Ryan Giggs. This is wrong. That's not to say Giggs isn't or wasn't a wonderful player - he is. But the fact is he only won this award because he never won it before, i.e. on the many, many occasions he deserved it. Steven Gerrard, and Frank Lampard (who didn't even make the shortlist) can feel rightly aggrieved.

So too can Stephen Ireland, the Manchester City midfielder who missed out to Ashley Young of Aston Villa, presumably because of the timing of the vote. Young had an excellent first half of the season, completing an impressive achievement by picking up his third Player of the Month award in a calendar year.

But his form has dipped appallingly since then, and his being rewarded has exposed the ludicrous nature of this voting process. Ireland has had a stormer this season and arguably would have been close to Young even before Christmas. But the fact that Young has been unable to rescue an ailing Villa side while Ireland has continued to shine in a poor city side speaks volumes.

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PFA Player of the Year shortlists

Sorry for being a little bit late to the party on this one, but I've only just finished laughing my arse off about the names involved. The nominations for the PFA Player and Young Player of the Year Awards were released yesterday, and provide a solid argument for the assumption that footballers are a bit stupid.

Player of the Year Nominees

• Edwin van der Sar (Manchester United)
• Ryan Giggs (Manchester United)
• Nemanja Vidic (yep, Manchester United)
• Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United)
• Cristiano Ronaldo (*sigh* Manchester United)
• Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)

Can you see a pattern? That's right, five out of six nominees play for Manchester United. If you were to read that list without knowing how the actual football was going, you'd say that United, in truth only one point clear of Liverpool, had the season done and dusted by February.

I should mention at this point that the voting (by fellow professionals) is done mid-season, so that's something to take into account.

But for my money, only Vidic deserves to be there out of the United nominees - he was, until recently, phenomenal. Ferdinand hasn't had his best season, and I think Ronaldo has been slightly disappointing.

Van der Sar's nomination is a complete joke. He broke some clean sheet records this season, but he has his defence to thank for that. Okay, that's maybe an argument for Ferdinand's inclusion, but I still don't think he should be there.

Giggs is a sentimental inclusion, and that's wrong. If the players wanted him to have this award, there were plenty of seasons when he'd have thoroughly deserved it.

Vidic will get it, but the winner, for me, has to be Steven Gerrard. But I'd say Frank Lampard could argue he's unlucky not to feature. Of course, plenty of clubs would say they have great unsung players. I think Stiliyan Petrov has been peerless this year, Kevin Davies has been stunning...plenty of players have a case.

The focus on United has flummoxed me a bit. I can't begin to imagine the motives.

Young Player of the Year Nominees

• Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa)
• Jonny Evans (Manchester United)
• Stephen Ireland (Manchester City)
• Aaron Lennon (Tottenham Hotspur)
• Rafael (Manchester United)
• Ashley Young (Aston Villa)

This list is a little more realistic, but a couple of inclusions are confusing. Jonny Evans is an above average player who features by virtue of the fact that he plays for United. Rafael is a very good player who's done little this season and, again, is in this list for one reason only.

Aaron Lennon remains hugely over-rated. His end product is still appalling, he gives the ball away like nobody's business and he's done bugger all of note this season for a team which has fallen way short of (ridiculous) expectations.

The Aston Villa duo, Ashley Young and Gabriel Agbonlahor, would not be included if the season was taken as a whole, but were in good form at the time of the vote. That could see Young win the award, but his poor form since makes a mockery of the voting system. Agbonlahor falls just short of his colleague, despite another impressive goalscoring season.

Ashley Young may well get the award, but for me it has to be given to Stephen Ireland, the best player on that list by a country mile. The kid carries a team of spineless prima-donnas every time they play well. If Manchester City have any intelligence, they'll be building their team around him.

So what do you think? Am I being too harsh on the United lads and Aaron Lennon? Who should win, and who else is missing?

(Photo: Zimbio)

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What I'd want for Christmas if I played on grass

Dear Santa Claus...

That's a sexy boot, no? My football career died a bit of a death when I was 16 and discovered that hangovers were more fun when you had them in bed and not on a football pitch.

Being a bit of a flair player (go on, laugh it up), I opted for wearing a pair of skaggy old boots which had been worn by Paolo Maldini (seriously) more often than not.

These days, my only football is a weekly astroturf outing with a lad from work, a few media types and assorted celebrities.

But if I were out there on grass banging in 29 goals in 26 games these days, I'd be begging for these bad boys when jolly old Saint Nick flies his sleigh over Tooting this Christmas.

The good people at Adidas sent this over and I rather like the idea (and the look). It's the Adidas F50.9 TUNiT boot, a customisable yellow and black number - no pink nonsense here - which allows players to adapt their gear to conditions and playing style.

According to the press release:

"The F50 is the boot of choice for flair players up and down the country and is lighter, stronger and more durable than earlier versions. These customised boots help players feel confident when expressing themselves on the pitch, but more importantly, to ‘skin’ the defender in front of them."

If we assume the defender in question is Joleon Lescott, that brings us nicely on to the real reason I love this boot: Ashley Young wears it. If it's good enough for Ash, it's good enough for me.

Adidas has also launched its new Predators, PowerSwerve. They look pretty cool too.

If the Adidas people are reading, don't forget to let me know if/when these come out in astroturf version. I'd love to have a go, but I'll be buggered if I'm getting muddy at my age.

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From the Trinity: Villa progress at a cost

Nothing’s ever dull at Villa Park.

For a notorious bunch of moaners like Villa fans, a dodgy summer in the transfer market is sure to spark debate.

Throw in a summer which also features competitive football and every coming and going is analysed relentlessly, as is every movement and word from manager Martin O’Neill.

So what’s been happening?

Inter-two-bob success

Over the last two Saturday evenings, Villa made hard work of disposing of Danish side Odense BK in order to progress to the final qualifying round of the UEFA Cup.

It’s a welcome return to Europe after 392 years since our last outing.

The visit to Denmark for the first leg was abysmal. Villa were lucky to escape with a 2-2 draw having been outclassed for a good 70 minutes of the game.

Big John Carew opened the scoring early on with a thumping close-range volley but things went quickly downhill for Villa. We lost all control of the game and Odense consistently raided down our right wing with a good degree of success.

Thankfully, only one goal resulted: an unfortunate own goal from Steve Sidwell on his competitive Villa debut.

Villa regained a slight foothold towards the end, and our favourite double act capitalised, with Martin Laursen nodding in an Ashley Young free kick. Sadly, a phantom free kick was quickly given at the other end and lapse defending led to an equaliser.

In truth, we were lucky not to lose.

Saturday’s match at Villa Park was again one-sided, this time in our favour. Quality, though, was a rarity. The mood pre-match was superb, the sun was shining and a new signing was announced before kick off.

Early on, a sickening moment – the first time I’ve ever been at a football match and had to whip off my glasses and turn away. By the looks of it, Carew and several Odense players – and the referee – felt the same.

Cult legend Wilfred Bouma fouled an opponent but stayed down. The referee, the opponent (I actually think it was former Villan Eric Djemba-Djemba) and Carew frantically signalled to the bench, and then came the moment I’ll never forget. A screaming Bouma stuck his leg in the air and I instantly felt sick. Let’s just say legs don’t bend that way except for bad injuries or good sex.

Fortunately, the assumption that Freddie had suffered a horrific fracture was dispelled post-match. Unfortunately it turned out to be true after all on Sunday. Best wishes to Wilf for a speedy recovery from a badly dislocated and fractured ankle.

Some bloke replaced him at left back and did well. I won’t name him or acknowledge his existence until he makes a public apology and sacks his agent, but he got a cracking reception which drowned out the booing minority.

Villa had plenty of chances but were a little disjointed (no pun intended), and we were thankful for one moment of absolute genius from Ashley Young.

The little winger picked up the ball on the left, danced inside towards the edge of the box and duly left two defenders for dead. He then unleashed an unstoppable missile into the top corner. Simply stunning.

I’m looking forward to the UEFA Cup draw on Friday.

Brad Jr and Brad Sr

Also on Friday, Villa discover the fate of one of their summer transfers. We moved in January for Chivas USA goalkeeper Brad Guzan, but he was refused a work permit. We’ve now got him on board again, and a second (and, I believe, different) work permit hearing will deliver a verdict on Friday.

I hope it’s positive. I’ve only seen 45 minutes of the lad, but he looked half decent. I also trust the opinion of Shaun Wheelock, the North America expert on BBC’s World Football Phone-In, the masterpiece that it is. The Big Wheel is a Brad fan, and that’s good enough for me. We’ll see him play in the Olympics too.

So that’s Brad Jr, now what of Brad Sr?

Well, Mr Friedel’s move to Villa from Ewood was sealed on Saturday and announced to a few hundred people milling around Villa Park before the Odense match. Brad had a bit of a walk on the pitch with a scarf at half time, and was warmly welcomed. What a bloody brilliant signing.

Welcome two American Brads. Shame we need so many more. Players, that is. I make no distinction by name.

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From the Trinity: Villa goalfest against relegation candidates

How does one remedy a month of disappointment and an ailing season?

Martin O'Neill knows. With Aston Villa having seemingly checked out of the season prematurely, abandoning what was still a very credible possibility of Europe, O'Neill's change of system, coupled with a tidy quirk of fixture list fate, has brought Villa right back into the race for the UEFA Cup.

O'Neill's side comfortably dispatched Bolton 4-0 at Villa Park a few weeks ago, with a new midfield diamond operating beautifully well together. The fun, however, had only just begun.

Petrov humiliates Derby

One of the greatest benefits of Villa's new system is the sparkling form of Bulgarian midfielder Stiliyan Petrov at the foot of the diamond. Petrov has been stunning against Bolton, Derby and Birmingham, and it seems down to his comfort in his new position as much as the poor quality of the opposition. Petrov's goal at Pride Park will live long in the memory.

In reality, Derby collapsed after a promising start. Goalkeeper Roy Carroll bottled a catch under pressure from Olof Mellberg, allowing Ashley Young's free-kick to float through his hands for 1-0. Goals followed from John Carew, Petrov, Gareth Barry, Gabriel Agbonlahor and Marlon Harewood on an historical day for Villa. Petrov's was the pick of the bunch, and could well be goal of the season.

Hapless Carroll failed to clear properly, finding the Bulgarian just in front of the half-way line. A controlling touch took Petrov into the centre-circle, from where he launched a left-footed half-volley over the retreating 'keeper into the top corner. It was, in a word, brilliant. And not in a Fast Show way. In a Picasso way. In a Maradona way. In a Hawking way.

6-0 away from home against anyone in the Premier League is an achievement, and has inevitably been ignored given the opposition. But Villa fans appreciated it, and it put us in a superb position as Birmingham City's annual cup final approached.

Normal service resumed

Sunday 20th April 2008 will go down in Villa folklore. Analysed in the cold light of day, Villa did nothing more than put a very poor side to the sword. In the world of football, we put paid to any idea that there is a second club in Birmingham that means a damn.

Derby days are usually nervy affairs. I hate it when we play Blues. In recent seasons, the gulf in class has been obvious but Blues had more fight. Fight wins derbies when only one team possesses it and neither play football. That's why the first few derbies since our unwashed cousins were promoted after a 16-year absence from the top flight went their way.

Even with three wins in the last three derbies, I'd never predict a Villa win in a derby and mean it. Even with Villa eyeing Europe and Blues on their way down, I'd never take that gamble.

Yesterday changed all that, because we now approach the games as we would any other, and we play football. Villa were just wonderful on Sunday as they hammered Birmingham 5-1. Indeed, I was angry as all hell when that albino lad scored for them. Aside from that, Blues did little to threaten us, and we destroyed them.

Olof Mellberg scuffed an assist for Ashley Young to lash in the first early on, and everything just settled down nicely. I was informed by Match of the Day 2 that there was controversy in the run-up to the goal, but what I saw was the surprisingly excellent Mark Clattenberg stopping an altercation and allowing play to continue. The fact that Mehdi Nafti allowed this to knock his concentration is entirely down to his own retarded lack of focus. Still, a TV show which employs that camera-whore tw*t Gavin Peacock isn't worth watching.

John Carew - NOT offside, Peacock - glanced in the second, and Villa went in 2-0 up at half time. One more, and we would be home and dry, and Big John duly obliged. Nerves settled, game over.

To score another two goals was the stuff of dreams. Ashley Young's second of the match was massively entertaining, and Gabby Agbonlahor's was very pleasing on the eye too, especially for eminently-smackable goalkeeper Maik Taylor (who's applauding sarcistically now, Maik?), who watched it crawl into the middle of his goal after wrong-footing himself.

The celebrations for the goals and afterwards were magnificent, and Villa fans now know that we have a team which cares as much as we do. And it's been a long time since we could say that.

A perfect week...almost

I can't let this post go by without thanking Randy Lerner for another amazing gesture. Thanks for the mosaics, Mr Lerner. On top of the derby win and the first match with the mosaics adorning the Holte End, this evening our reserves won their league.

Sadly, this week has been soured by the apparent murder of Villa fan Christopher Priest on Aston Hall Road after the game. You saw Villa beat Small Heath 5-1, and thoughts of that perfect match will be forever linked with your memory. Rest in peace.

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Sportingo: Young and Bentley can wing Capello's England into a new era

A couple of nights ago I submitted my latest article to Sportingo, championing the possible England wide duo David Bentley and Ashley Young.

Blackburn and Villa fans will surely agree that these two are the two most deadly English wingers in the Premier League currently, and the prospect of having the pair of them romping up the flanks against Switzerland is positively mouth-watering.

Do you agree? Have a read of my article here and leave your feedback.

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