One of our writers, Jamie Cutteridge, clearly has a screw loose. Today, we offer you the chance to spend a few minutes journeying around his twisted brain. But be warned - you might not come out alive. Back in the early days of the Premier League, Manchester United benefited from a suspect amount of stoppage time to beat Sheffield Wednesday and land a crucial blow in the title race. It could all have been so different.
“It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.”
Many a pub conversation starts with “What if?” What if we had video replays against Germany last summer (we’d still have lost)? What if Ronaldo hadn’t got injured (he’d still have discovered women)? Or what if someone had accidentally dropped a tonne weight on Sepp Blatter a child (he’d still be around, you cannot destroy him, he is an entity living in a world in which we are all figments of his imagination)?
Well, internet, permit me to play a similar game, to indulge in a flight of fancy of my own - one that paints a picture of a better, brighter place, and one that down to one referee will never, ever, sodding happen.
Picture the scene: April 10th 1993. Manchester United host Sheffield Wednesday knowing a win os necessary to keep pace with Aston Villa at the top of the table. Heading in to the last few minutes the home side trail to a John Sheridan penalty. Steve Bruce scores a late equaliser to ease Alex Ferguson’s full-time mood and then, in the sixth (sixth!) minute of injury time, Bruce repeats the trick and United never look back, going on to win the league at a canter as Villa’s hopes are crushed. To the victors the spoils, and their dominance of the next 20 years of English football is set in motion whilst the runners-up are set on a path where only fleeting highlights exist for years of mundanity. I’m not bitter.
But what if…
March 2011
Skip forward to the present day.
The wasteland of football is a different place. After Sky Sports pulled out of their coverage in the late 90s and folded, the game in this country has struggled, with top English players heading north of the borther to find competitive action and higher wages. Whilst the early years of said ‘Premiership’ were dominated by Villa and Norwich City, both collapsed under the burden of high wages and their relegation scrap harks back to the 1995 season, when the title was decided on the last day at Carrow Road as John Fashanu’s late goal won a second title in three years for the Midlands club, the first in their famous three-year unbeaten streak (the quirk of which saw them finish 2nd in 1996 to Kevin Keegan’s Liverpool).
This season it could not be more different as Villa are relying on a misfiring strike force of Kevin Phillips and Jon Dahl Tomasson to keep them in the newly named ‘English FA Development League’, the feeder to the UK-wide BRITBALL League, inevitably dominated by Scottish clubs. Separated from Villa by just a point, Norwich’s recent history is equally unstable having only just reached the EFADL from the EFAD2L the previous year under the guidance of young manager Darren Huckerby and, led onto the pitch by the surprisingly sprightly Tim Flowers in goal, Norwich boast one of the best defences in the league but have only scored 12 goals all season, seven of them Matt Etherington penalties.
England’s sole representative in BRITBALL, West Ham United, are sitting comfortably in mid-table having dominated the English game since the East-End uprising of 2003 that saw Danny Dyer take his rightful place as monarch. In a country where no football was on TV, the poor folk of E20 had little to occupy them and were able to fall under young Dyer’s spell, backed up by Colonels Brand and Corden, to stir up a people to a state of revolt.
The strange government has coincided with the rise of West Ham. In the new order clubs operating in specific areas of London (around the Upton Park area) are not required to make their accounts public, and hence it is not known where they have gained all of their wealth from. Essential to their plan moving forward is the relocation of Wembley Stadium to the area formularly occupied by nearby Tottenham Hotspur, with those in power deciding it was in the collective interest for one club to own the national stadium. This does, howeve,r make sense - in line with the rule nicknamed ‘the ’66 agenda for restoring english pride’ all members of the English team must have, at some point in their career, represented West Ham. Whilst this led to failure at the East End-hosted 2006 World Cup, recent results have improved with the unlucky 2-1 defeat to Scotland providing cause for optimism.
The current West Ham front line of Marlon Harewood and John Carew mixes it with the best in BRITBALL but are let down by the combination of Da Costa and Upson at the back. Whilst they seem destined to remain in the league next season, heavy summer investment will be needed to restore them to the level of the championship side of 2007, where the free-scoring side racked up 149 goals over the 42-game season, with Danny Dyer breaking all kinds of records with his tally of 131 goals, 130 of them from the penalty spot.
Prior to the collapse of the Premiership in 2000, Newcastle United, with their tight, defensive unit, had held the last three title crowns. Once forced to play with the big boys in BRITBALL they struggled to cope and currently sitting top means that this season sees their best chance of a return to the top flight since they threw away the opportunity on the last day of 2008. Gareth Barry missed three second half penalties, his view obscured by the giant pie in his hand.
The tale of Barry is one indicative of the nature of the game over the previous 20 years. Having broken through at Villa during the halcyon days of the EPL in 1998, Barry sought a move abroad and joined splinter team Yorkshire Steel in the EUROSECTOR in 2002. Struggling to hold down a place Barry turned to pies, and not good ones.
As he fell down the divisions, with teams taking a punt on his undoubted talent but struggling with his pie addiction, Barry’s habits got worse, until he established himself on the Newcastle ‘Special teams’ unit. Though the fans struggle to forgive him for his crucial misses, on a national level he is a hero after scoring the penalty that secured England an impressive draw at Sweden in the Euro 2008 qualifying dead rubber.
And as for the wronged Manchester club? Well, after the scandelously short period of injury time against Wednesday, Ferguson took his case to the European Courts of Justice where, on appeal, the decision was overturned and a goal awarded to the hosts. However it was too late, the wind had been taken out of their sails and they finished second. Furious about this, Lord Alex removed not only his side from the British league system (taking a lot of sponsors with him) but the entire city of Manchester from the UK, creating an island in the channel where the annual game between United and City decides the champions (and the multi-billion pound prize). The game is the most watched sporting event globally, and both sides take their regular place in EUROSECTOR where United’s winning 13-season winning streak remains the greatest of its kind amongst all aspects of human history.
Following their continued success, 2005 was Fergie’s final year at the club where control was passed over the son Darren who oversaw the taking over of City and turning them into a feeder club. Ferguson Senior is now President of FIFA.
The grass is always greener.
Barking but well done