twofootedtackle.com

Okay, okay - we said it was over and it was. But now it’s not. My Favourite XI returns for a little bit, with the first submission coming from long-time TFT friend Ollie Irish better known as the Football Editor of ITV.com. Ollie’s put together an extremely strong team that features a German defender who will soon be crowned a TFT Icon - and it’s not the one you’d think.

Previous Favourite XI: Chris Lines
Next Favourite XI: Charlie Anderson

Goalkeeper: Neville Southall

Big Nev is the greatest goalkeeper Britain has produced, and yet he resembled a wreck. But his unathletic frame was a lie. Southall was a giant in one-on-one situations, using a combination of uncanny reflexes and positional brilliance to confound strikers. He was a hero for those of us with no aspirations to hammer out a six-pack in the gym.

Right Back: Cafu

There’s a lot to despise about football today: giant headphones, double-speaking agents, Jack Warner. With that in mind, take comfort in Cafu. (Now there’s a slogan.) Cafu is a timeless footballer, still bombing relentlessly up and down the right flank in countless parallel universes, defying age and reason.

Centre Back: Claudio Gentile

I have a fondness for dirty Italian centre backs (Italians make the best dirty centre backs), and especially Claudio Gentile. His brutal shadowing of Diego Maradona at the 1982 World Cup is legend. El Diego later said of Gentile’s hatchet job: “Every time I tried to receive the ball he’d be snapping at my ankles. I could hardly move or turn around and he didn’t even get sent off.” But as Gentile himself said, football is not for ballerinas.

Centre Back: Franz Beckenbauer

Beckenbauer is the most imperious footballer of all time and I love him despite the pain he has caused England in his time. Imagining this XI ever got together, he would offer regality in spades at the back, surely an ideal counterpoint to that underhand b*stard Gentile.

Left Back: Paul Breitner

Where Beckenbauer epitomised Germanic efficiency, Breitner was that rare beast: a zany, charismatic German footballer. He was known as much for his football ability – and he was very good, scoring in two World Cup finals no less, and from full back – as his socialist politics (he was a Communist sympathiser) and decidedly un-German hairdo. Beckenbauer never liked him, but Breitner didn’t care.

Central Midfield: Fernando Redondo

Most of us have had a football-related man-crush at one time or another. Redondo was mine, I don’t mind admitting. He was rebellious by nature and and he made football look easy. And I’ll never forget his round-the-back magic trick, which bamboozled Manchester United’s Henning Berg at Old Trafford in the Champions League many seasons ago.

Central Midfield: Lothar Matthaus

Matthaus is the most complete midfielder I have ever seen, and he would gladly knock the indolent Redondo into shape. Never mind that these days Lothar comes across like a Die Hard villain, ranting and raging in gutteral English at anyone who dares cross him. In his prime, he made Roy Keane look like Steve Sidwell.

Left Midfield: David Ginola

“There is no I in team,” a frustrated manager might say to David Ginola at half-time. To which, between drags on a cheeky Gauloise (unfiltered, naturally), Ginola would reply: “But there is an I in Ginola, no?” Vain and insufferable, yes, but he was a bloody marvellous player: muscular, cavalier and capable of outrageous sorcery. Par example:

Right Midfield: Antonio Valencia

On the opposite wing to Daveed, an admirable player who is his opposite. Valencia plays without any trace of ego, for his team. He is nails but doesn’t shout about it. He doesn’t shout about anything. He is football’s Gary Cooper, as a friend of mine remarked recently.

Forward: Gerd Muller

Another German? Ja, genau. Short, stout and with no pace or trickery in his armoury, Muller was nonetheless a genius, finding the net 489 times in 565 appearances… Think about that tally for a second. The man did not miss.

Forward: Gabriel Batistuta

Batigol’s preferred method for scoring goals was very simple: tw*t the ball so hard that the keeper is taken out of the equation. And he celebrated every one of his goals like he’d just scored a date with Monica Bellucci. Plus he didn’t walk out on Fiorentina when they were relegated from Serie A. Dude.

Substitutes:

Carlo Cudicini

The reserve keeper’s reserve keeper.

Gary Neville

Look at his face - just look at his face!

Graeme Souness

Whatever you do, just don’t forget to bring the cards for the coach trip.

Yordan Letchkov

To wind up the Germans. And he’s a slaphead, like me. Not enough slapheads in football today,

Ronaldo

Sixty minutes in, you bring off Batigol and bring on a fit Ronaldo (in his Barcelona prime, pre-injuries). That should work.

Tags: Antonio Valencia, Cafu, Carlo Cudicini, Claudio Gentile, David Ginola, Fernando Redondo, Franz Beckenbauer, Gabriel Batistuta, Gary Neville, Gerd Muller, Graeme Souness, Lothar Matthaus, Neville Southall, Paul Breitner, Ronaldo, Yordan Letchkov