From the Trinity: "Splinters" struggles to engineer his move

Why Splinters? Because he'll be spending the rest of his career pulling them out of his arse cheeks after all that time sitting on the Liverpool bench.

Sadly, this month's From the Trinity was probably always destined to be another anti-Barry rant.

The Aston Villa 'captain' has ensured this is the case with desperate comments to the press after numerous more subtle attempts at engineering a transfer failed.

Let's rewind.

Roughly two years ago, Gareth Barry wanted to leave Aston Villa, a club riddled with incompetence and showing no ambition whatsoever under the ownership of Doug Ellis and the (snigger) management of David O'Leary. He was most likely on his way to Portsmouth, that much heralded bastion of footballing glamour. You might know it as the Highbury Graveyard.

Barry's international career was dead in the water. Again.

No Villa fan begrudged him this move, because we all knew the club was up shit creek with a pug-nosed imbecile hogging the rudder.

Randy Lerner came in, and brought with him Martin O'Neill (though he was technically appointed by the outgoing chairman). Gareth Barry, whether he likes it or not, owes one hell of a lot to O'Neill.

Martin's early actions included persuading the skipper to stay at Villa Park, with a huge pay rise which was celebrated by Barry with a new car. The fans breathed a sigh of relief, and prepared for the New Villa to be built around a growing legend. Barry eventually played himself into the England side, where he made himself undroppable - he leapt past Michael Carrick, Owen Hargreaves and even Frank Lampard in the pecking order.

It was, in large part, down to his manager. And it was all going swimmingly, until Barry was tapped up by one of football's nastiest characters, Steven Gerrard. His head turned, and that was that. Ever since then, Barry has been trying to manufacture a transfer without handing in a request, and it's frankly an absolute f*cking disgrace.

Liverpool Football Club and fat Spanish waiter Rafael Benitez leaked their interest through some local Scouse rag to get the ball rolling. Barry put in a truly vomit-inducing performance against Wigan, possibly costing Villa a place in Europe. The response from Villa? Meet our valuation, or shut up.

Steven Gerrard then weighed in and openly told the press that he wanted Liverpool to sign Splinters. The response from Villa? Meet our valuation, or shut up.

Next to step up to the plate was Aston Villa's ex-Liverpool midfielder, Patrik Berger. Berger had spent more time on the Villa treatment table than on the pitch - all the while taking his wages, of course. Berger told Barry he'd be mad to stay at Villa if Liverpool came knocking. The response from Villa? Liverpool were told to meet their valuation, or shut up. Patrik Berger was immediately dismissed, and received vicious abuse from Villa fans at West Ham on the finaly day.

With Villa still not buckling, the biggest scumbag in football, David Platt, threw his considerable weight behind Barry's secret campaign. The response from Villa? None, because the day David Platt's opinion means anything to Villa is the day the football club goes out of business. What a prick.

Over the last few weeks, Barry's agent, certain parties involved with Liverpool Football Club and one or two ex-Villa players (including Mark Delaney, reportedly doing his coaching badges at the club after spending literally years receiving money and treatment and putting NOTHING back into the club - let's hope O'Neill kicks his greedy arse out of the club too) have been cranking up the pressure on Villa.

The response? We are NOT giving permission for our captain to talk to another club until they've met OUR valuation. Not what Barry, desperate for the cash and alleged prestige of a move to the 2008 Capital of Exaggerated Mourning, wants to hear.

The greedy, overweight, deluded former Villa hero hammered another nail into his reputation's coffin by interrupting a holiday to spill his guts (as if he's got any) to a national red-top newspaper. Clearly his dishonesty and conspiring has not yet worked to date, so the only thing left was to tell the press he wants to move, and slag off the manager who resurrected his career. Classy, Gareth. Very classy.

It makes you wonder, though, doesn't it? If this is all about the Champions League and a shot in the mouth from Gerrard, why not just hand in a transfer request? Perchance because Barry would be forgoing a pay-off from Villa? Disgraceful.

So Barry, just make an official request, forget the idea of getting another penny out of us, and f*ck off. You will be hated forever more, and you deserve every bit of it. Enjoy your Splinters.