Footballers who should have kept their privates private

Ashley Cole is a silly, silly boy. A day after it was confirmed that the Chelsea and England left back has fractured his ankle, the national newspapers are reporting his hilariously outlandish version of how naked photographs of him in a hotel bed ended up on the mobile phone of a topless model.

I'll leave you to work out exactly how likely it is that Cole is innocent in this situation, given that his story includes the fact that he has an unregistered pay-as-you-go mobile phone, the calling card of philanderers up and down the land.

But he's not alone, as far as footballers who hang out with their wangs out are concerned. So here's twofootedtackle's list of footballers who should've kept their mancocks to themselves. Thanks to @oftd, @9men, @dirtytackle and @carl_palmer for tips and reminders. And apologies to The Spoiler, which has undoubtedly covered all of these lengths at length previously.

So, knob gags over and done with, it's down to business.

1. The boy Cole might look like a bit of a tool himself, given that he's married to a rather famous sex symbol, but at least he didn't go one further. Former Boca Juniors star Ever Banega, now at Valencia, can't say the same after performing the five-fingered shuffle in front of a webcam
2. Also engaging in a spot of first-person relief was Aston Villa's Ashley Young, who was caught on a webcam during a chat with Bristol beautician Sarah Taylor. But it's okay, it wasn't Ash - it was "Lewis"
3. Still, at least Young wasn't involved in Villa's most embarrassing sex scandal video. Former Villa goalkeeper Stefan Postma wins that one hands-down after bending over during a session with Mrs Postma and...well, doing it the wrong way round
4. It's not easy being a Brazilian footballer. At every turn, there is a blonde beauty squawking out her siren tones and practically forcing you to get your bits out. Just ask Ronaldinho, who just about managed to avoid showing the goods, and Elano who apparently most certainly didn't. The same goes for youngster Alexandre Pato, whose rather lovely wife was presumably nonplussed upon discovering no fewer than 18 pictures of Little Ducky had made their way into cyberspace

Mr Cole, you're in good company (and I don't mean Vernon fecking Kay). I only hope that's all you've been up to...

(Pic via Valencia Offside)